As if from nowhere, a shuriken hit His Royal Highness Detective Prince Charles of Scotland Yard in the back.

"death to monarchy!!!" -- screamed the crowd.

"Death to the haze of his mysterious words," yelled a drunken man in the crowd, and everybody stared at him awkward.

'Er, er, ah now, er, oh dear' muttered His Royal Highness Detective Prince Charles of Scotland Yard.

Someone out of nowwhere screamed "Be Your Own Pet" and the crowd went wild.

'Let Jemima decide who's guilty', cried a voice from the throng.

Just at this very moment, a mountain was being moved for the purpose of Queen Douglas IV the third's own personal fitness room... while Kim pondered, "wait a sec... i was never making bread in the first place!"

Obi-Wan leapt to the rescue, flinging aside dicks and royalty alike with his immense Force powers; all the while swinging his lightsaber menancingly with one hand; and scowling at the lesbian fans of Be Your Own Pet.

The Metropolitan Police's 'Overbearing Tactics and Teargas' unit moved in.

"This thread has totally died for some reason," exclaimed three thousand rioting punks.

"Yeah? well, i'm not politically correct, i'm not the voice of a generation, and i am not a model citizen, so FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!" screamed a drunken and barely clothed cantankerous with a certain glee.

"She's tooootally waaa-sted," reacted a gay man at this odd breakout of passion and nakedness from a certain drunken source.

"WHO SAID THAT?" demanded she.

suddenly, cantankerous leapt for the queer source of this comment, but missed and instead landed in the arms of toilet & bowels.

"A gay man said that," narrates the narrator.

"it was porkmarras!" shouted coco, who immediately clasped her hand to her mouth, realizing what she had done.

she literally fell into a toilet, and now covered in many peoples different excrement, she ran home, still naked and covered in filth, embarrassed and crying.

"motherfucker! toilets don't have arms!"

"...or do they?" cantankerous was very puzzled.

"Sad but true, retard!" says k-krack, laughing hysterically at cantankerous' misfortune.

K-krack, now inspired, puts a patent on a toilet that embraces you warmly as you defecate into it's porcelain pot.

Unfortunately, k-krack was mutilated by his own invention months later.

Luckily the mutilation was only a cut/scar, and was just another story fo' da' ladiez.

"k-krack is a fucking liar!" shouted the narrator, "i saw it happen! they had to reattatch his entire arm!"

"That's fucking bullshit! They took that out of context!!! M arm was off before i got on the fucking toilet!!!" shouted a pissed of k-krack.

"narrators aren't allowed to do things like that, or we might end up in your situation, mr. krack," firmly stated the narrator, "i speak nothing but the truth"

"What a fucking load... Lemme talk to yr fucking manager. i want this bullshit cleaned up, this is fucking garbage. reporting false.. fucking..information... it's bullshit... fucking straight-up, grade-a BULLSHIT!!!!" replied the now infuriated k-krack.

"i am the manager. you're wrong." the manager (oops i mean narrator) continued.

BANG

"This just in, narrator has been motha'fuckin' MURDAH'D by k-krack! YES! MURDAH'D by k-krack! That motherfucker's days of spreading bullshit and false info iz OVER!!!" stated the excited and clearly giddy anchorman on the universal news channel. He also hated that dumbass narrator.

meanwhile, toilette was busy putting up signs that read "lost kitten" with pictures of cantankerous on them.

"where oh where could she be?" he wondered, as the furrow in his brow continued to grow deeper.

She was parading around nude as the day she was born and putting her tits in nature magazines, that ho.

little did k-krack realize that cantankerous was born fully clothed.

Woops, did i say "as the day she was born?" i meant to say "naked as somebody having sex," sorry about the confusion.

Now that that is out of the way, it's over to Jenny, with tonights weather forecast! What news, Jenny?

Well, thanks Jim, it seems that rain is due, and everybody wants to be gay!

Thanks Jenny, and on that note, it's been a wonderful day, and we here at Totally Shitty News swish you a good september 3 evening. thanks for watching and goodniiiiiiggght everyone.

Suddenly the news flickered back on, reading "special report"

"This just in! cantankerous has finally put some goddamn clothes on and she and coco will be putting on a free concert at altamont speedway!" announced the news anchorman.