Personal musings about- love, infatuation, women, lust. Not x-rated. Amazing!
 

It has occured to me that I have a huge conflict with myself. Everyone is conflicted to some extent- conflicts between moral beliefs and desires, etc. How you choose to resolve these conflicts shape your character.

I have a conflict bigger than those. My desire to continue being myself and doing what I do, and my desire for female companionship. I hate what a seed of lust/infatuation/love does to my personality. I can't stand how sickening couples act, it disgusts me. Unfortunately, when I like a girl, I can easily fall into that trap. Gang of Four's song "Anthrax" pretty much sums up those feelings for me.

I feel that I can't abandon this conflict in either way. I feel that this conflict is what fuels my very life and well being. Without it I'd be nothing.

I think I purposefully pursue and sabotage my chances with women to keep this up.

My dreams have pretty much alerted my conscious that I have an intense fear of commitment, so much that I don't even want to date.

I think I have put the idea of a "relationship" on such a high pedestal, that any idea of such gives me idealist feelings that in turn make me nauseous.

"When it comes to a boy meets girl situation, I'm not in the least bit romantic. Romantic to me means that you build up an idea of something and nothing touches it. I tend to get romantic about things like Hell's Angels, you know, motorbikers that wear dirty black leather. People are too complex to get romantic about. I'm romantic about Rock N Roll music; to me Rock N Roll is a very romantic idea."- Jim Reid

That quote really sticks out to me. I feel Jim Reid really hit the nail on the head there. I think I have built an idea up about love that makes being in love with a woman impossible. How is it possible to be with a woman that I find really really awesome and not act like an idiot or a different person? It is possible to be with Rock and Roll and act as I truly am. How could a woman possibly compete with Rock and Roll?

www.readmybullshit.com

i'm listening to track 6 on this CD:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...610372-7134001

I know how you fell, SJIND. There's this girl I've been diggin' on for some time, though she's nothing like me and nothing that I look for in a women. I keep in touch with her; I write her. I've really fallen for her, but she won't have me, because we're so different, I guess..
When we start to get close though, I'll insult something about her. I guess so we can start over and I can build us back up where we were. I guess, like you said, I do to keep in this infatuated state.

Makes me think of the Freud anal retentive reference in Clerks where Randall tells Dante he needs to "get off the pot or shit." Maybe the undesirable positions we place ourselves in and keep ourselves in are ultimately the most desirable.